In the News...Langley, Virginia -- The CIA has officially canceled all contracts with the mercenary/cult soldiers of Blackwater making Leon Panetta's CIA substantially less evil-seeming than its predecessor. Blackwater, which tried to clean up its image after unloading on civilians in 2007 by changing its name to Xe Company (which sounds like a villainous organization from Rush Hour 2) is now being officially removed from all government-sponsored activities...or, wait...are they?
It seems that they are simply being told they can't load drone missiles anymore. Other than that though, Oh Blackwater (Xe Company) you keep on shooting. Because, let's face it, if we're going to stop the evil terrorists we need a bunch of homicidal mercenaries with facial hair similar to that asshole from Anthrax.
Wait! Anthrax!?! Where!?!
Just fucking with you guys, but seriously, remember that little scare? I maintain that the band Anthrax is a greater threat to humanity than the biological weapon, which can only mean one thing: we went after the wrong guy. Saddam wasn't our man, it was that guy with two first names, you know...Scott Ian! That's it! Blackwater shouldn't be in Iraq, they should be in New York City, hunting down Scott Ian to bring him to justice. And while we're at it, we'll have them round up Metallica too. Kill two bad, heavy metal birds with one stone.
So Blackwater, Xe Company, Mr. Bubbles' Happy Funtimes Crew, or whatever you're calling yourselves nowadays to be more palatable to the American public, you get your asses back to the United States or out of your creepy training grounds in the hills of North Carolina (where else?) and hunt down the real enemy. Scott Ian, we're coming for you.
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