In the News...So, I've been on hiatus for awhile. Or, perhaps, sabbatical. Or maybe I've just been too busy eating and sleeping to take notice of the Internets. However, thanks to the holiday that is Boxing Day, I can come back and fill you all with holiday cheer (and that may or may not be sexually-charged innuendo). That's right, for practically everywhere but the United States, its Boxing Day, which is a holiday that celebrates famous boxers like Floyd Mayweather, Muhammad Ali, and Rocky Balboa and how they helped us defeat communism.
Wait...no, that's not right. Actually, it is a day established to mark the creation of the first box by St. Stephen back in the middle ages, when moving into your new castle was a pain in the ass, before the patron saint of boxes came along and invented a cheap, affordable, and useful container for moving your belongings--or storing them in your unattached garage for an eternity. As a result, modern Europeans celebrate this holiday officially, by buying boxes of things, and then proceeding to store them. Many Americans unofficially celebrate this holiday by being the messy people they are year round!
Actually, I'm being told that's not it either. Well, fuck, I have no idea now. What the hell is Boxing
Day if doesn't involve excessive bloodletting or the convenient storage of my belongings? It has to do with landed gentry and the servants having a day off? That is what this holiday is about?Boxing day was traditionally a day the servants had a day off from their duties. Because of this the gentry would eat cold cuts and have a buffet style feast prepared by the servants in advance. In modern times many families will still follow this tradition by eating a family style buffet lunch, with cold cuts rather than a full cooked meal. It is a time for family, parlour games and sports in the UK.
So, wait, you guys follow up one holiday dedicated to stuffing yourself till your fit to burst with another holiday dedicated to the same thing? No, that's stupid. There has to be more to it than family style buffets and parlour games.
The traditional recorded celebration of Boxing Day has long included giving money and other gifts to boxing organizers, who were needy and in service positions. The European tradition has been dated to the Middle Ages, but the exact origin is unknown and there are some claims that it goes back to the late Roman/early Christian era; metal boxes were placed outside churches used to collect special offerings tied to the Feast of Saint Stephen.
So, it involves charity? And charity boxes? I guess that's cool, but this whole holiday seems rather superfluous as it follows a holiday full of boxes and charity. This holiday is the Star Wars prequels of holidays. It's the crappy, let down re-hash of a previous, far more awesome holiday (Christmas). You know, I just want to take this moment to wish a motherfucking terrible Boxing Day to everyone because its a stupid and unnecessary holiday that we don't celebrate in America because we have better things to do like run Fortune 500 companies (into the ground) and sit around watching television till our brains ooze. That's right, we don't need a holiday to do that, fuckers, we have what you call an economic crisis to give 10% of us the day off. Suck on that, foreigners!
Happy December 26th, America.
-The Crier
No comments:
Post a Comment