In the news...Just when you thought the St. Louis Rams could get no worse, Rush Limbaugh has now expressed an interest in buying the failing franchise. Famous for being a crazed racist, drug abuser, and generally huge blowhard, Limbaugh has expressed a desire to get into the NFL ownership to further inflate his own burgeoning sense of self-importance as well as give him access to "athlete-grade drugs." If successful in his endeavor, the St. Louis Rams' first victory would come after having the only owner in the NFL capable of out-crazying Al Davis. Limbaugh made the announcement on his popular radio show after making disparaging remarks about people suffering from Parkinson's disease and overdosing on Viagra. When asked why he decided to try to purchase the St. Louis Rams, Limbaugh replied, lighting up a cigar laced with Oxycontin that:
"We've got too many teams with black people on them. I'm not a fan of black people--or minorities in general, and I think the NFL has pandered to these people for too long by letting them play and whatnot. I think its time for a return to good old fashioned American values. And by that I mean a team entirely composed of white players. So basically, a team of punters, long-snappers, Quarterbacks, the occasional tight end and kickers. Our special teams should be pretty well-covered."St. Louis Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo, when told of Limbaugh's plan, clapped a hand to his forehead and muttered an audible "Oh, fuck me." Reporters who caught up to Spagnuolo pressed him for an explanation of his comments as he tried to stop Kyle Boller and Marc Bulger from playing grab-ass in the team showers.
"Look, this team is bad enough already," Spagnuolo grumbled as Boller let out a girlish shriek after bieng struck by Bulger's fiercely-crafted rat tail. "All we have is Stephen Jackson and last I checked he was black...so, yeah, we'd totally blow even more than we do now. Also, I'm pretty sure Limbaugh believes Kyle Boller is a secret Muslim, so I mean, we'll lose over half the team."Players across the NFL are coming out and saying that they would refuse to play for a team owned by Limbaugh, even going so far as to say they would rather play for Al Davis' Raiders than a Limbaugh-run St. Louis team. When asked for a comment about this, Al Davis, speaking from the team's Alameda County practice facility, said, in delirious tones: "I'm glad they want to play for me, as long as they've got the speed. SPEED!" He bellowed at the assembled reporters. "Like the Heyward-Bey, my team needs the SPEED!"
Jerry Jones, the sketchy and skull-like owner of the Dalls Cowboys had a different reaction to Limbaugh's claims of an all-white football program in the NFL: "Well, I think that's pretty stupid. I mean, hell, I'll hire anybody as long as they have a small amount of fame stemming from criminal charges or exceptional levels of egotism." He then quickly changed the subject to his new, billion-dollar stadium and monument to his own, towering, inflated sense of self-worth: "Have you seen my new stadium? Have you? You have to. It's huge. It has a huge video screen that gets in the way of gameplay its so large and obnoxious. It also has cage dancers! Basically, its the biggest, grossest, most Versailles-like palace of sportsdom ever built."Limbaugh's ambitions are, at this point, just that -- ambitions, but there is a possibility that the ranks of crazy-ass-motherfucking owners could grow soon to include Rush Limbaugh and his crazy-ass drug addiction. And while, right now, he is opposed to black athletes in general, some industry insiders hope that he can bond with athletes like Ricky Williams and Donovan McNabb over their common addiction/need for drugs due to substance abuse problems or being constantly in some state of injury. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell remarked that he was "hopeful" that Limbaugh's racism could find a productive place within the NFL:
"Well, we already have crazy egomaniacs, self-destructive old men, and overly-wealthy white people running these franchises--but we have yet to get a true dye-in-the-wool racist. It'll do wonders for our new affirmative action plan for getting owners outside the norm, and Rush certainly fits the bill for 'outside the norm.' We hope his racism continues and brings a new spirit to the NFL, while also encouraging white kids in troubled, wealthy, white suburbs to choose sports as an outlet when an excellent public education simply can't cut it for them, now that they know they have a benefactor in the white-only St. Louis Rams."Limbaugh, in his closing remarks, announced that he had already tentatively chosen Nolan Owen, USC's long snapper, as his first-round draft choice in 2010, before returning to his previous task of fellating himself with a large pickle.
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