Does America Really Need This?

So, word is that there is a Transformers 3 in the works and that it will again by directed by Michael Bay--the brilliant mastermind of all those explosions, robot testicles, and robots in black face from Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. It's like an adrenaline rush for every pubescent boy in the country, and a kick in the crotch for everyone else. An insulting kick in the crotch, because, let's face it, there was very little redeeming about Transformers 2. There was actually nothing redeeming about that movie. Megan Fox was reduced to a flouncing pair of breasts in Daisy Duke shorts, all the robots were lame and painted like color-changing hot wheels from the mid-90's, and it was like if Michael Bay were making a big, pyrotechnic porno for himself. So why, for the love of all things decent, do we need yet another addition to this spiralling franchise of awful? It's not like this is the epic middle act that Empire Strikes Back was, no this is the epic fail that a Waterworld sequel would've been if anyone had been crazy enough to throw money at such a project. Or maybe any number of Alien v. Predator films would be the best analogy. But one thing is for sure, Transformers 2 was different. How?

It's a fucking cash cow. It somehow ended up to be a spigot of money, dirty, dirty, Michael Bay porno money. And even though it was utter crap, the American people gobbled it up like there was no tomorrow. It further proves that Americans will eat anything that stays still in front of them long enough. Even the unappetizing prospect of Michael Bay being smug and cheerful couldn't prevent the film from being a hit. That alone should've done it. Have you seen the man? He's as repulsive and oily-looking as you'd expect.

And to cap it all, Michael Bay is the biggest "LOL PROJECTOR" in the film industry -- which is saying something considering that the whole industry is built around projecting things. His love of explosions, breasts, and robotic man-bits is not born of irony, humor, or a sort of cheeky self-awareness of his odd obsessions, but just an expression of what Michael Bay wants and, therefore, thinks everyone else wants too. He's like the boy who never grew up except with adult-levels of creep thrown in the mix. You just know Michael Bay got off as a young sociopath by drowning kittens, exploding household appliances, and lighting the neighbor kids on fire. He was probably a demon-child.

So, to answer my pithy title's question, America does not need another of Michael Bay's pubescent, explosion-infused delusions of grandeur. There is no reason to fuel this man's ego and love of all things stupid, sexist, and racist. As much as I love explosions, robots, and the female anatomy, I expect to be treated like I merely tolerate them in film. Anything else is insulting. I want to be treated as if I may, just may, have certain high-brow pretensions about the films I choose to watch. Besides, if people outside the country see this, they will think American culture is a total lack of culture...which, sometimes I wonder if it is. So, Michael Bay, please, for all of our sakes, stop with the...