"Bob Dole Thinks Healthcare Will Pass," says Bob Dole

In the News...
Bob Dole came out today in Kansas where he served as Senator and stated simply that "Bob Dole thinks healthcare will pass by late this year or next." Known for speaking in the third person and losing in Presidential Elections, the last living Founding Father of our country (now a spry 263) was reflective in his speech to a few people gathered at the Kansas City A&P. Wedged between the carrots and string beans, Dole related the tale of Clinton's own health care proposal in 1993-94, which ultimately failed, Dole claimed because "[p]olitics took over," he then added, bitterly, pointing at Betty Schriver, 43 of Lee's Summit, MO. "And you lost."

He then took the time once again to state his strong opposition to a public option for heath care before launching into a bizarre story of his exploits as a Wildcat Banker on the American frontier in the 1830's:

"Back when Bob Dole was in banking during the Second Seminole War, no one talked about 'healthcare.' People were too worried about whether or not Wiley Thompson had really killed that Osceola fella and whether all the money we were printing like crazy was worth anything. That's the way Bob Dole sees health care -- we could learn a lesson from the Second Seminole War."

When asked what that lesson was, Mr. Dole would hum loudly until allowed to change the subject to his old stories of drinking and carousing with William Jennings Bryan. Those few gathered around to listen were torn between amusement, downright scorn, and total confusion.

"I like the way he calls himself by his full name and he's more fun to watch than the Kansas City Chiefs," Robert Clark 28, of De Soto Kansas exclaimed. "It's like he has to say that to remind himself who he is. I guess that's not surprising. He's like, as old as the Highlander, isn't he?"

"All I wanted was to get some carrots," Shouted Martha Moxbury 86, of Lake Winnebago, Missouri. "And then this wrinkled, old, fart shows up and starts talking about wildcats and Lord Byron. Sweet Jesus Christmas! Just get out of my way, damnit! The Greatest Generation, coming through! "

"Who the hell is 'Bob Dole,' anyway?" Bonnie Knox 37, of Sibley Missouri asked, confused. "No, really. Who is he?"

Who, indeed? Bob Dole, was last seen in 2006, when trying to take a felt pen to the Declaration of Independence and exclaiming "Bob Dole found a mistake!" He had not been seen or referred to in public since. Surrounded by mystery, our nation's longest-surviving founder has been rumored to be, among other things, hunting for the Jersey Devil, building a time machine to transport him back to 1996 (and, consequently, relevance), drinking lavishly from his private fountain of eternal youth, and trying, unsuccessfully, to moonlight in an E-Street Band cover band. This was his first public statement since 2002, which was a long-winded story about the Panic of 1837 and how much "Bob Dole hated that Andy Jackson fella, and his Specie Circular."

Since then, according to Bob Dole's enigmatic and oft-confusing twitter page, Bob Dole has been "POLISHING BOB DOLE'S BROADSWORD AND PREPARING FOR THE GATHERING, LOLZ!!!1!"