Hate Your In-Laws? Bob Dylan Does Too!

In the (Holiday) News...
With the holidays approaching at the scary clip they always seem to, its time to start planning for those family gatherings and office parties that always end with stragglers hanging around your parlor/office. You need an escape strategy to get rid of unwanted relatives/coworkers. Thankfully, Bob Dylan, known for his charitable acts to those in need, has given you the perfect weapon in the fight against holiday party leeches. That's right, Bob Dylan has just released a Christmas album bound to dislodge even the most hardened of loafers from your living room sofa. When asked about why he decided to make a Christmas-specific album by Rolling Stone, Dylan responded in his typically nasal twang that:

"I wanted to give folks in America the gift that keeps on giving -- mainly an album so objectionable to the senses on every level imaginable that countless people would no longer have to deal with their crazy brother-in-law Larry, or the creepy guy in accounting who trims his nails at his cubicle any longer than necessary this holiday season. It's so terrible that even the worst of offenders will be forced to leave the party at a decent hour, rather than hanging on till the late hours. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor by making a God-awful holiday album."

The repellent nature of the album is rather potent. The warmly-mumbled "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" is bound to drive away even the most drunken of guests, while the warbling, haggardly-delivered "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" is certain to make your Christmas party the least bearable on the block. All-in-all, the album is a smash hit for those who are looking to host a party with much-loathed in-laws.

"Oh Lord no, I can't stand it," Betty Marshall of Little Rock, Arkansas said in reference to Dylan's 39th studio release. "It's downright painful, but hell, it keeps Robbie's side of the family from staying past nine. Local dogs don't like it none, though."

Others were less harsh on the cheer-themed release:

"It's not exactly 'music,'" Billy Curtain of San Diego, California said. "But it is the most unintentionally funny music release of the year. Maybe even decade, because I'm pretty sure even the Baha Men weren't taking themselves too seriously."

Dylan himself seems quite happy with the release, planning to use it at his own studio's holiday party.

"I used to have to sing holiday covers till everybody left," Dylan mumbled. "Now I have an album specially crafted just for that purpose, that I can pop in the stereo at will--and I didn't even have to do a duet with Leonard Cohen!"

Well, if anything is for sure, Bob Dylan's latest hit will certainly surpass previous Christmas collection releases as the pinnacle of obnoxious, holiday-themed music that everyone hates, but still listens to anyway. It's the audio equivalent of fruitcake for this holiday season and its even available on vinyl so you can have the satisfaction of smashing it to pieces after driving your in-laws out of your home. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.