Billy Ray Cyrus, You Son Of A Bitch

Maybe it is just a symptom of getting older, but I am pretty sure that kids today, especially those born after the new millenium, are drastically different than I was as a kid. Now granted, some of these differences can be chalked up to the ever-changing technology that has infiltrated our everyday lives. But a lot of what I think has changed is culture and the media. When I was in elementary school, I came home every day, made myself a snack, and happily watched Wishbone wag his little tail through classical literature. Nowadays? Wishbone is off the air, replaced by the monster that is Hannah Montana, an incognito teen pop star, played on TV by a teen pop star.

Yes readers, I am personally blaming Hannah Montana for the downfall of American society and culture. Or really, I am blaming Billy Ray Cyrus, the man who spawned both the show and its star. Actually, let's take a look at all of the famous children he's spawned:

Name: Trace Cyrus
Occupation: Lead singer and guitarist of emo/electro band Metro Station. Technically, only a step-spawn of Billy Ray.
Age: 20
What I was doing when I was his age: Attending college, being a Spanish TA
Lesson(s) he is teaching our children: You can whine into a microphone and make a living; Bullying and threatening transvestites is fun!

Name: Miley Cyrus
Occupation: Actress, "Pop Princess," Camwhore
Age: 17
What I was doing when I was her age: Making my way through junior year of high school, writing for the school newspaper
Lesson(s) she is teaching our children: You don't need any creative talent to be a musician, just an OK voice and a pitch corrector; Taking semi-nude photos of yourself on your phone is a great idea, because they will never find their way to the Internet...

Name: Noah "Noie" Cyrus (on left)
Occupation: Lingerie designer (I wish I was kidding), YouTube video star, occasional actress
Age: 10
What I was doing when I was her age: Reading Nancy Drew, coloring with crayons, using my imagination
Lesson(s) she is teaching our children: It's OK for elementary school girls to wear mini skirts and fishnets; Singing explicit rap lyrics on YouTube will get you lots of attention!

So let's wrap this up. Billy Ray Cyrus's children include a 20 year old emo singer, a 17 year old whose provocative camera phone pictures are as easy to find as a simple Google Image search (I don't recommend it), and a 10 year old who designs KIDDIE LINGERIE. Some of the blame can certainly be placed on these kids and their apparent lack of good judgement. But I think a lot of this blame has to go on the parents. I mean really, your 10 year old daughter is allowed to post videos of herself on YouTube and design skimpy outfits for grade school girls, like herself? Do you know what my parents would have done to me if I had done that? I would still be grounded, that's what. Really, the facts are simple: You aren't going to raise normal, non-histrionic children if you let them have free reign and allow them to spend so much time in the media spotlight. And by doing so, Billy Ray is doing his kids a great disservice by teaching them to live for attention, both good and bad.

The worst part, though, is that kids today are looking up to the Cyruses. Young and impressionable kids. I mean, what are young girls supposed to think when they look at little Noah Cyrus? Clearly, Noah is trying to say that it is no longer cool to be a little girl, and that you should accelerate your sexual development as quickly as possible, so that 10 year olds end up dressing like 25 year old whores. You know what I want for young girls? I want them to have what I had, a love of learning, an insatiable appetite for books, curiosity, a boundless imagination, and skirts that came past my knees. These are all characteristics that will help them greatly not only in childhood, but also in their development towards adulthood. They aren't going to get any of that from the Cyrus kids.

If little girls are going to be looking up to any famous girl, you know who it should be? Emma Watson. Yes, she is an actress and a model, but do you know where she is at this very moment? Brown University, getting herself an education and a college degree.

To end this on a positive note, I will leave you with some Wishbone: