Billy Ray Cyrus, You Son Of A Bitch

Maybe it is just a symptom of getting older, but I am pretty sure that kids today, especially those born after the new millenium, are drastically different than I was as a kid. Now granted, some of these differences can be chalked up to the ever-changing technology that has infiltrated our everyday lives. But a lot of what I think has changed is culture and the media. When I was in elementary school, I came home every day, made myself a snack, and happily watched Wishbone wag his little tail through classical literature. Nowadays? Wishbone is off the air, replaced by the monster that is Hannah Montana, an incognito teen pop star, played on TV by a teen pop star.

Yes readers, I am personally blaming Hannah Montana for the downfall of American society and culture. Or really, I am blaming Billy Ray Cyrus, the man who spawned both the show and its star. Actually, let's take a look at all of the famous children he's spawned:

Name: Trace Cyrus
Occupation: Lead singer and guitarist of emo/electro band Metro Station. Technically, only a step-spawn of Billy Ray.
Age: 20
What I was doing when I was his age: Attending college, being a Spanish TA
Lesson(s) he is teaching our children: You can whine into a microphone and make a living; Bullying and threatening transvestites is fun!

Name: Miley Cyrus
Occupation: Actress, "Pop Princess," Camwhore
Age: 17
What I was doing when I was her age: Making my way through junior year of high school, writing for the school newspaper
Lesson(s) she is teaching our children: You don't need any creative talent to be a musician, just an OK voice and a pitch corrector; Taking semi-nude photos of yourself on your phone is a great idea, because they will never find their way to the Internet...

Name: Noah "Noie" Cyrus (on left)
Occupation: Lingerie designer (I wish I was kidding), YouTube video star, occasional actress
Age: 10
What I was doing when I was her age: Reading Nancy Drew, coloring with crayons, using my imagination
Lesson(s) she is teaching our children: It's OK for elementary school girls to wear mini skirts and fishnets; Singing explicit rap lyrics on YouTube will get you lots of attention!

So let's wrap this up. Billy Ray Cyrus's children include a 20 year old emo singer, a 17 year old whose provocative camera phone pictures are as easy to find as a simple Google Image search (I don't recommend it), and a 10 year old who designs KIDDIE LINGERIE. Some of the blame can certainly be placed on these kids and their apparent lack of good judgement. But I think a lot of this blame has to go on the parents. I mean really, your 10 year old daughter is allowed to post videos of herself on YouTube and design skimpy outfits for grade school girls, like herself? Do you know what my parents would have done to me if I had done that? I would still be grounded, that's what. Really, the facts are simple: You aren't going to raise normal, non-histrionic children if you let them have free reign and allow them to spend so much time in the media spotlight. And by doing so, Billy Ray is doing his kids a great disservice by teaching them to live for attention, both good and bad.

The worst part, though, is that kids today are looking up to the Cyruses. Young and impressionable kids. I mean, what are young girls supposed to think when they look at little Noah Cyrus? Clearly, Noah is trying to say that it is no longer cool to be a little girl, and that you should accelerate your sexual development as quickly as possible, so that 10 year olds end up dressing like 25 year old whores. You know what I want for young girls? I want them to have what I had, a love of learning, an insatiable appetite for books, curiosity, a boundless imagination, and skirts that came past my knees. These are all characteristics that will help them greatly not only in childhood, but also in their development towards adulthood. They aren't going to get any of that from the Cyrus kids.

If little girls are going to be looking up to any famous girl, you know who it should be? Emma Watson. Yes, she is an actress and a model, but do you know where she is at this very moment? Brown University, getting herself an education and a college degree.

To end this on a positive note, I will leave you with some Wishbone:

The Return Of Herbert Hoover

Obama has announced that there is going to be a three year domestic spending freeze. In other words, no increased spending on unemployment, no increased spending on welfare, no increased spending on health-care, job creation, etc... all in the name of reducing the budget deficit. Way to go, Obama. Now that the republicans have gotten what they want, they'll SURELY be more willing to help out with other things, right? There's no chance in hell that they'll say "hey, if we keep disagreeing with him, he'll do what we want." And they'd NEVER use the fact that you're planning on raising taxes against you in 2012, right?

GODDAMNIT. What the hell, Obama? You know how the Great Depression really took off when Hoover decided to balance the budget and cut spending and raised taxes? Well, congrats. You are now the reincarnation of Herbert Hoover.

President Clinton said (along with other things) that if you take care of unemployment, the deficit will take care of itself. After all, more people with jobs means higher tax revenue, less spending on unemployment, less spending on welfare, less spending on COBRA insurance (as employed people tend to have health-care through there employer) and a higher standard of living overall. The best way to get lower unemployment is to SPEND on job creation. In other words, pay people to do public works projects such as cleaning parks. Rebuild the crumbling infrastructure in this country. Pay people who do all these different volunteer service projects a living wage and give them health-care. If you think this is crazy, remember that this is how we got out of the Great Depression in the 1930s.

Increased spending through projects like I've detailed above and through WWII got us out of the Great Depression, and increased spending can get us out of this recession. Hopefully Obama will realize this before this plan gets implemented. Otherwise, it's up to the next president to fix everything.

For a better, more scathing analysis of the plan, go here: http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/



-The Economist

Doctor Who Turns Over New Leaf In 2010

Here at The Granville Crier, I consider myself to be the resident Doctor Who expert. Granted, I haven't been watching for many years, but I have seen every episode of the past two Doctors (9th Doctor Eccles and 10th Doctor Tennant), and am preparing myself for the arrival of the 11th Doctor, aka unimaginatively named baby actor Matt Smith.

This hair defies laws of physics, but not in a sexy way.

At the end of a very emotional and tear-jerking finale (Russell T. Davies should personally reimburse me for all the tissues I used), there was the requisite regeneration, which revealed the new Doctor. And I have to say, I was surprised and kind of pleased. Sure, he's no Tennant (and certainly doesn't have that beautiful Tennant hair), but he does have good comedic sense, and seems willing to pick up where 10th Doctor left off. He is even willing to make fun of his hair! After regenerating, he grabs a handfull of his luxurious locks and yells, "I'M A GIRL???" Yeah, I think I like him.

Also revealed was the 1 minute trailer for the upcoming new series, starting this spring:

A few things of note:

1. New head writer (not pictured in trailer)! Gone are the overly dramatic days of Russell T. and in are the interesting and complex plots of Stephen Moffat, the writer who brought us one of the most terrifying Doctor Who monsters in the entire run of the series! Speaking of which...

2. Return of the Weeping Angels! Yes, ordinary statues can continue to haunt your dreams because the angels are back, and look as terrifying as ever.

3. Return of the Daleks. Really? Didn't Russell T. kill them off enough? Like, 3 or 4 separate times? If they bring the Cybermen back too, I won't be happy.

4. Return of River Song. My least favorite of ALL plot points that Russell T. tried to introduce. Like the Daleks, I just wanted her to be done with, but nooooooo.

5. Hot ginger companion! I have high hopes for her, she looks feisty!

6. Some other interesting looking bad guys. Vampirish-looking women in Elizabethan dress? Yes please! Creatures that kind of look like the Malmooth in series 3? Sure!

And finally, 7. LOTS OF SHIT BLOWING UP. Phone booths blowing up, scientific equipment blowing up, the TARDIS blowing up, the Doctor blowing up (ok, so he just punches a guy in the face and shoots a gun, BUT STILL). The trailer makes it clear that series 5 will be NON-STOP EXCITEMENT and that the viewer will be CONSTANTLY ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS. Because of all the EXCITEMENT!!!!

On the whole though, I think the next series looks promising! If nothing else, I will watch for the Weeping Angels and for Moffat's writing. And hopefully, 11th Doctor will live up to, or even surpass my fairly low expectations of him.

-The Cunning Linguist

More New Year's Predictions

Seeing as The Economist got around to putting up his predictions about The Future! I thought I'd try my hand at playing Nostradamus. And no, I don't mean the sex act that is so popular with kids today--I mean predictions. Plain and simple. Where is the world heading in 2010? Well, I'm here to give you my take.

First: The World of Sports

• Everyone loves to make sports predictions. It's the next fucking cottage industry. First up, Superbowl XIVL. I'll make the crazy pick, since that's what I'm best at...being crazy. I'm going with a Cardinals v. Colts matchup for the game with the Colts eking out a close win. Something like 23-21. Yeah, Matt Stover, I'm looking at you. Or Adam Vinatieri depending on your injury status. In any event, last second field goal baby! So maybe its just a pipe dream, but the Cards crept into the Superbowl last year without anyone noticing. I'd like to think they can do it again. Maybe I just love redemption.
• The Chargers will lose, yet again, in the AFC playoffs. This team just can't finish strong. They're like the shitty lovers of the football world.
  
• The Pittsburgh Steelers, whether they make the playoffs or not, will believe themselves to be persecuted by the rest of the NFL because they were only able to make it into the playoffs with the help of about half the NFL. Woodley has already cried about how the rest of the AFC is out to get Pittsburgh. I'd like to take this time to point out to Pittsburgh that it is a sign of a highly inflated collective ego when you believe other NFL teams already in the playoffs will actively throw games to keep you out. Also, your team probably shouldn't have looked like it was throwing games through, oh, the whole middle of the season if you guys were worried about this. Reap what you sow.
  
• The Cleveland Browns under Mike Holmgren and second year coach Eric Mangini will go 8-8 and miss the playoffs, coming in 3rd in the division. There will be a new QB of Holmgren's choosing. John Gruden, no matter how much I want him to come coach, will not. The Bengals will not repeat their strong season, falling back into the cellar of the AFC North.
  
• That above prediction is based on absolutely no solid facts. I'm just pulling shit out of my ass here.
• NASCAR will finally be canceled because it is stupid.
• Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow will finally announce their impending marriage.

Wooo!: The World of Politics

• Rush Limbaugh will survive his heart troubles, solely because he has no heart to trouble him.
• Sarah Palin will get taken down by her worst enemy--herself or Levi Johnson? Or both?
• John McCain will slowly fade back to the not crazy right-winger he was before the election, making him and George Voinovich the only sane Republicans left in the world. Sadly, few in their party will listen to them.
• Policy will continue to kill off the middle class.

Next up: The World of Everything Else

• I will continue to derive an uncalled for amount of pleasure from photo-shopping large jungle cats into pictures of Tiger Woods.
• People will continue to be as stupid and scummy as they always have been.
• I will still hate math.
• Clash of the Titans will be as ridiculous and whorish as you'd expect. So too will the A-Team movie.
• Harry Potter 7 will unleash the stupidity of Stephen Cloves for one...no, two, more times. Rupert Grint will get his ginger-ness cured.

There are my predictions for the new year on everything I could think of in a half an hour. Stay classy you bastards. And Happy New Year.

-The Crier.

Some New Year's Predictions

So, it is 2010 and the new year has officially begun as it always does with the Big 10 losing a bowl game (stupid Northwestern kicker can't make a field goal to save his life). People everywhere have started predicting what will happen this year with just about every aspect of life, so I have decided to bring in the New Year with some predictions of my own based on either my own feelings or what I've read. Without furthur ado, here they are:

Economic Predictions

- Unemployment will drop very slowly and end up around 8-8.5% (I'm leaning closer to 8%)
- Inflation will begin to creep in during July but it will be very small, most likely somewhere between 0.5-1%.
- The Fed will increase interest rates at the end of June or early July (I'm not sure how much).
- The housing market will not change much, but the little change it has will be for the better (I'm pretty sure the housing market has hit the bottom)
- The dollar will continue to decrease in value until the Fed raises interest rates. At this point it will increase a little bit before continuing to decrease.
- Gold and oil prices will continue to rise.


Political Predictions

- Republicans will win 3-5 senate seats
- Health Care reform will pass and insurance companies will party in the streets.
- No actual help to the middle class in terms of job creation or tax cuts will come because of douche-bag conservatives.
- Sarah Palin will continue to get more coverage than is necessary for any ex-governor/former vice presidential candidate.
- Joe Lieberman, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity will continue to tax my sanity.


Sports Predictions

- The Chargers will beat the Eagles in Super Bowl XIVL, 27-23.
- Either the Yankees or Mariners will win the World Series (The Cubs will be irrelevant).
- Jay Cutler and the Bears will have a better season and will finish second in the NFC North in the 2010/2011 season, but still fail to make the playoffs.
- Brett Favre will do his usual dance before deciding to play one more year with the Vikings. That year will turn out like his year with the Jets.
- I will continue to not care about the following: Basketball, Hockey, Golf, and any form of car racing.



There you have it. My predictions for 2010. Remember to sell your long term treasury bonds in June before interest rates go up! Happy New Year everybody!



-The Economist.